That is a sentence I never imagined being able to say again.
As a young child, I loved caves. With my family and girl scout troop, I visited caves all over Ohio and Kentucky. When I was 10 years old, a family friend was visiting from out of state and we took him to Olentangy Caverns, here in Central Ohio. I won't go into too much detail, but towards the end of our visit, the lights went off in the cave. My family, our friend, and I were trapped in the cave; locked in with the lights off. There was no warning over the intercom that they were closing; no inspection by employees to make sure all guests were out. They closed up and went home. Finally, as the gift shop attendant was heading home she saw our vehicle in the lot. She searched the other attractions, before finally checking the cave.
Needless to say, I hated caves after that. Just the talk of a cave, or a photo, or a sign for a cave would make my heart race. 15 years after the incident, I was in Guatemala. The farm where I was staying had a cave on the property with a colony of White-collared Swifts. With a natural opening, and a lot of motivation to see the swifts, I decided to brave the cave. The swifts were spectacular but the experience was not good. The person leading me through the cave decided she wanted me to see the underground river, although I wasn't interested. I was hopping over rocks with gaps between and I had no idea how deep they went. I didn't have a flashlight and it was dark. I slipped and fell at one point, and nearly threw up by the time I got out. My knees were giving out, and I could hardly make it back to the cabin. I vowed that I would try a cave again in another 15 years. Maybe.
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| My friend Ruth standing in a natural beam of light in the cave |
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| I had Ruth take my picture, knowing my family wouldn't believe I went into a cave. |
Fast forward 19 years from the originial incident to today... Ben and I were planning to visit Cedar Bog in Urbana, Ohio when we started driving through some rain. Since we were already nearly halfway there, I did a quick google search to find something to do in the area besides hiking all day in the rain. "Ohio Caverns" popped up on the list under Cedar Bog, a canoe livery, a berry farm that wasn't open, and.... the "World's Largest Loaf of Bread." At first I was joking. I said, "we could go visit a cave." But when I said it, I didn't immediately feel my chest tighten. My heart didn't start racing and my palms didn't get sweaty. I decided that I was willing to give it a try, but it had to be now. I didn't want to plan to come back another day and have days or weeks to talk myself out of it.
The weather cleared up so we hiked at Cedar Bog. I didn't think about the cave any over the next few hours while I enjoyed the beautiful scenery and wildlife. Afterwards, Ben mentioned the cave again, and I said, "okay." This time I did start to feel anxious. I didn't want to talk about it before hand, I just wanted to book the soonest tour and get it over with. We met in front of a water tower for the 2:15 tour. It was 2:13 when the guides arrived and it seemed like hours before 2:15 finally came. We started the tour by walking down a long winding ramp to the entrance. Ben was asking if I was okay... asking if we should tell the guide about my fear... asking if I wanted to be in the front or back of the group... asking if I wanted to hold his hand. I could barely hear or focus on the questions with ringing ears. I didn't want to talk about it or think about it. I just wanted to get inside and get it over with.
We arrived at the door. It was a locked metal door with a key pad to get in. At that moment I knew if I went inside, I would have to finish the tour. I wouldn't be able to just turn around and leave. Tears filled my eyes and I swallowed hard. I wanted to turn around and run, but I looked back at the kid behind me who had just said he had never been in a cave before. I remembered how much I loved caves at that age. I didn't want to cause a scene and ruin his experience, so I kept going.
I went inside.
We walked about 50 feet in before the guide stopped us to start talking about the cave system. I was already crying but trying to take deep breaths and convince myself that I was going to be okay. It was going to be fine. I couldn't hear much of what the guide was saying even though she was immediately next to me. And then I heard the words. "Now I'll show you what it's like without the lights." She explained that it would be dark and your eyes wouldn't be able to adjust to the darkness. I had heard these exact words before, over 20 years ago on previous tours in other caves. I remembered these words 19 years ago when we were trapped in the cave. And now I was hearing them again. I tried hard to keep breathing. She flipped the switch and the lights went out. I took a breath and thought everything would be alright... and then I was sobbing. I couldn't do this. I heard the guide quickly say she didn't like the dark and the lights came back on. I wanted to ask to leave but I couldn't speak. I also realized I had survived that second and a half and I wanted to keep going.
For the next 20 minutes or so, I walked through the cave. I was still crying at times but feeling less and less anxious. Every corner we turned was another amazingly beautiful natural feature of the cave. Before long, I wasn't feeling anxious at all! I was taking photos with my phone and actually enjoying my surroundings. By the time the hour-long tour ended, it hadn't seemed like an hour at all!
As we exited the cave, I was climbing the stairs to exit and it hit me again. I vividly remembered holding my sister's hand as we ran up the stairs together exiting the cave 19 years ago after the lights finally came back on, and the gift shop attendant led us to the door. I quickened my pace and climbed the 60 stairs today to get out of the stairwell. I reached the top out of breath and my legs were feeling it. But I did it! I went in the cave. I enjoyed the cave. I survived. And guess what? I might go into a cave again. It's not my favorite thing anymore; I won't be planning trips around visiting special caves, but at least I know I can do it.
After thinking about it all evening, I decided to share my fear and share my story with my friends. I hope that it can help even one person decide to take a step towards conquering their anxiety or fear. Not immediately, but when the time is right. For me, for some unknown reason, my time was today. It took me nearly 20 years to be ready to face my fear again and force my anxiety away long enough to make it through that doorway. But even after getting through the cave, reliving 19 years ago and even reliving my expeirence today had me crying the entire time I was typing this post. It'll be a long road, but I am proud to say, "today I went in a cave."
Please enjoy some of the beautiful features of the Ohio Caverns that I visited today.
